Why Do You Get All The Love In The World?

(The title of this post is more or less the 'title' of the 'poem' at the end. More than that however, it was the title of a song I was listening to before typing)



So much to report, so much to report, so much to report. First let me start by saying yesterday, was a very good day. For some time now (as if it wasn't hard to tell through a few of my previous posts) I've been, for lack of a better term, depressed. It was like I was this shinning light, there for anybody to take, but it seemed like I was more so being raped with no remorse, and no appreciation. And the more I noticed it, the more I tried pushing it away. I tried this, albiet, unseccesfully, until I finally cracked and couldn't take it any more. I don't want to be who I am. I don't like the small, weak nice guy who lets people push him around and lets people take advantage of him. So, I didn't. I FINALLY put my foot down and said enough. I was sick of being everyone's personal lapdog ready to obey at any command. I understand I'm the nice guy and people came to expect that, and although I'm still a kind being, it's the fact that all of that came as so expected.



Now, when I'm at work and such, I really see no point in telling people, "I was a push over, but now I'm not", because that would be stupid. Things like work and school, I'm just going to change. But things with people around me, they may need to know why. So, for the person I told this face to face with it was... well... lets just say a shock.

there were tears, awkward silences, and comments that really went no where (all of which, I didn't let affect me). It took us a while, but we finally left to run some errands. Pick n' Save was a fun stop. I ended up getting some energy drinks (Yuck, Monster! Oh well... I need to review them as well as get the cans. Speaking of reviews, I'm gonna touch on that later...), some sushi, and some spring rolls. Yes, I willingly got sushi. They were just there, and I had a craving. That was of course after my random craving for cake (I was just gonna buy a big cake). So we finally left, and I spent way too much money. I also say a coworkers daughter in there when we were leaving. She was with her grandparents so I really didn;t want to go up and talk to a five year old infront of people who didn't know me... I don't want my name being put on some kind of list... So we left and decided we should stop to eat.

We ended up stopping at Doctors Park [after a quick stop by The Witches House]. This isn't the first time we've gone to Doctors park together, the first time was actually a cute little surprise for me. Yes, it was a surprise. I was even ordered to close my eyes. Anyways, we walked down to the beach and ate. we also scared some teenagers off. There were two teenagers on a blanket... And as soon as they saw people... they shit right up... then moved their blanket away... LOL!

So we ate and talked, talked and ate, then got up and started strolling the beach... I was shown some select spots, before we finally had to turn around and head back. She dropped me off at home where I actually, get this, got some reading done! Yeah... I know...

A few hours later she came back to pick me up (Yeah, we had an odd shedule going...). I went back to her house to offer some computer help (My laptop pwns the shit out of her Frankencomputer!). And much like the last time, I ended up staying till like 2 in the morning before finally getting a ride home.

I would like to think of myself as a man with honor, so I will respectfully glaze over this piece in the puzzle. My head was in the clouds, and all I know is I'm going to miss her.

The next morning was the best I'd ever had.

Work was gay. That's all you're gonna get because it pissed me off... A lot.

Then we all went to Kiwi's for Sci-Fi movie night (Fuck you Siffy!!! You betrayed your fanbase!). We missed the movie we really wanted to see, and they didn't re-air it, so we just had some crappy movies on as background noise [and hot chicks in bikinis]. we had a lot of good food too... Yum! Boss subs, chicken nuggets, some stir-fry, and Gardettos (fuck the spelling mistake... I'm lazy). I also tried Amps new sugar free. Wow. I must say I was impressed, and not just because it was sugar-free, but because it was genuinly good! It was fruity and boubly. I really liked it. No one could really place what it tasted like, but it tasted good.

That reminds me: reviews. My blog has really lacked that side of things. I don't think I've given a review of movies, music, energy drinks or whatever stupid shit I'd like to give my two cents on... So, I promise to strengthen my scathing reviews. Sorry!

Poem:

"As I relinquish my hope, the last piece of me dissapears behind a cloud of wretched screams.

Knuckles bruised, ribs cracked, and the metallic taste in my mouth won't go away. My head is miles away from my shoulders, my eyes are unable to focus. I am beside myself watching it fall. The cuts mean nothing. The pain isn't even there. I've become everything I've ever hated.

And I love it."

I Dislike Myself (Nice Guys).

You ever wonder why nice guys finish last? It's because we are weak, selfless, and shy people who are constantly letting others walk all over them. we don't stand up for ourselves, because we're not looking to make ourselves happy. We put so many people before us, that we likely never even get the slight chance to express what we want. Often times our generosity consumes us to the point where we can not say no, and we are taken advantage of. It's abuse to the kind person. A mental, and physical abuse we choose to ignore. To press on because complaining just isn't our style. And yet, we are taken for granted. Too easily does the nice person become a two-bit circus act, only around to give other people their jollys. And that's what we soon become: A service. No longer human, we become an act. Something that be called upon, relied on, and incapable of opinion.

It pains me constantly to see myself let this happen. Time and time again, I often can;t hear over the deafening voice screaming inside of my head. It's telling me to stop. Stop, listening, stop obeying, and stop giving in. It wants me just to push it all over, and show people everything they don't want to see: That the service still has a voice.

Still, I ignore it. The voice pounding my head like a starved animal. I ignore it in the speck of hope that it's wrong, that what I'm doing is still the right choice. If I listened, there's no going back, and that continually frightens me, even more than my chosen of servitude. Fear controls every action I make. The more I think about it, the more it makes sense. I'm afraid of every emotion in my head, and every rivaling emotion in the minds of others. And who's to say my emotions are more important than those of any others? They're not. In the widest of spectrum's, myself and my problems are minute. Infinitesimally small. So I focus on the big picture. I help other people.

Thus returning me to the source of my problems.

Is their really any solution? Any answers? Anyway to change my position in life that suits not only myself, but those closest around me? No. The answer is a short, simple, and unanimous no. So I continue on, living the life that serves so many, yet only serves to drive me towards insanity. And I guess it is my place, since even in my best consortedt effort, there's really no way of changing me. I am who I am. And I'll just have to wait like every other nice guy.

Screamin' Like A Bitch

Sorry for not posting as much anymore... I swear I'm still alive (that's up for debate), I just don't update as much as I should.

Life right now... has been muddled. I've got so many things I've been trying to work on and finish before the end of summer that I end up getting nothing done! There's so many artistic projects I need to finish, and so many movies, cds, books, and games I want to get through! And I KNOW that as soon as school starts... those things will disappear (well, books may stay... but not the ones I'd like to read). So yeah... school's quickly approaching, and it seems that new problems have opened up because of this...

Well, not so much for me, but here we go. Andrew, my brother, will NOT be returning to school for reasons simple described to me as: He is not allowed to finish... WHAT THE FUCK?!?!?

Things like that (especially after I had just gotten off of work where I've seemingly put up with enough stupidity and ignorance) really piss me off... People are so fucking dumb, and I'm sick of living in a society with them! God... We in this country have hit such self-centered desperation that we succumb to any savage or criminal activity... FOR LITTLE TO NO FUCKING REASON! I hate people SO much! It's nothing perosnal, I just don't see any reason to hold faith in others because they are so pathetic!

Sorry. I do that from time to time.

In other news, I FINALLY saw Transformers 2 last night. I went with two friends from work: Becca, and Theresa. It was fun going to a movie with them, cuz I've never really done anytihng with coworkers outside of work (not including Becca's going away party). We had to go to Mayfair after work because it was the only theater in the area playing it still. So our movie was at 9:25, and we knew going in ahead of time that we'd get out around midnight. However, having just come back from Africa a little over a week ago, Becca was still jet-lagged, and took a little nap in the middle of the movie. Theresa has already seen the movie, but was still as giddy as a child before, during, and after the movie: "IT'S SOOO ACTION PACKED!". I liked it. Honestly, I liked it. So many times I'd heard that the plot was terrible and the comedy was subpar with a lot of the jokes missing their marks. Personally, I thought it was funnier than the first, but it did still had those things where you're kinda thinking, "This... really shouldn't be here... Kids aren't watching this, stop being so lame!". But you're never really deturred from the movie too much. The plot however does have random, and at times, unnesecary twists and turns (only so many people can "die", then come back to life in the most sappy ways possible). The action was just kick ass, and the graphics were nothing short of amazing. My best advice for the movie, was that they add an etra hour, and then split it in half. That way, they would be able to pace everything a little better, and give you more than a few frames to get to know some 40 odd robots... But it was fun... I enjoyed it.

A... Umm... Yeah, you... a... and then... so... FUCK YOU, I'M DONE!

I Pound My Head Until The Green Jello Comes Out!

Here at work. Boring Saturday with next to no one here, no one needing any of my assistance and over 6 and half hours left to go. Usual Saturday. And with on one really here, this place feels so still and cold. All I really do is sit here… I know what you’re probably thinking, that it’s free money for me, and it is… but at what cost? I work every weekend, no ifs ands or buts. And if I do try and get off, forget about it! No one wants to come in over their weekend… It’s the weekend! (WHY IS IT SO COLD???). Anywho, now I’ve got nothing to do, and close to 7 hours to do it. I brought reading material with me, but until 5, there’s people here with me, and unlike myself, they want to talk to pass the time. And as much as I don’t mind talking to my coworkers, we’re not friends by any means, I’ve not met any of them outside of work. So it really just boils done to long stretched out small talk with little to no relevancy or importance. So that’s work… fun.

In other news, I’m tired. Tired, confused and a little lost. That sort of feeling like you don’t know what the fuck is going on, and all you really want to do is stop your head from spinning and take a fucking nap. And the worst part is, that nothing all too serious is even happening right now… It’s just a few grievances and minor inconveniences, but it adds up quite fast in my head. So here I am filled with muddled feelings that constantly contradict not only themselves, but my overall better judgment. It’s like my head, and my heart are fighting over something that, logically, shouldn’t even spark an argument, let alone this mental anguish.

Well that was odd… I just helped sell a membership to a guy who was in my architecture classes… Hmmm, excuse me if this sounds creepy or whatever, but to me, this seems like an excellent way to make a new friend. Basically, I commute to school and have no real strong ties to campus. I really have been hoping that that will change this year, and maybe I can start making some fucking friends… God I’m a fucking loser…

If Bithches Love You Because You Can Rock, Press 1‏

I’m in a blogsy mood, so let’s go!


Wow… Only one more month of summer before I’m back in schedule Hell. I’m really torn on next semester… In a way, I’m looking forward to it, and yet at the same time, I’m pretty happy with the way things are now, and don’t really want to screw them up (that sentence holds way too many commas to pass as grammatically correct mes thinks). Summer is too cool. Money, friends, waking up at noon… that shit just doesn’t happen during the school year…



On the other hand, I am a bit nervous about my up coming classes. Not really nervous in a bad way, more in an anticipatory way (yep, that's right!). You see, all of my classes this semester are psychology and architecture. None of that switching bullshit. No English, no math, no science, no history, no bullshit!!!

Plus, school this year will... cost me damn near nothing :). All I have to pay for is my books... Don't know how that happened, I just kicked the shit out of financial aid (I swear to God I only wrote TRUE information on the FAFSA application!). So yeah...

But enough of school. It's still summer! And seeing as how it is still summer, that means bad kids like me run around and do stupid shit. Yep, that's right stupid shit. Epic stupid shit. Stupid shit like stealing a construction barrel. None of those small pussy cones (that was Smerz's job), but a fucking traffic barrel! Those things are a lot bigger, and a lot heavier than you think they are. AND WE STOLE ONE! BWAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!!!!!!!!! FUCK SHIT UP!

in other news I've been spending too much money. True, I won't be paying much of anything for school, but still, I'm not one to be willy-nilly with my hard earned cash. I suffer through every guest at work for my paycheck, and I don't take that lightly! And it's not so much that I'm spending my money, it's what I'm spending it on. I have gone out to eat 2 out of the 3 past days. And we won't just stop at one place to eat. Tuesday, we stopped at Arbys, then George Webs. I bought a meal at both places. The next night I ate at Wendys, then, a few hours later, I was back at George webs bringing in the next morning with yet another full meal. Now, I have lost a lot of weight over the past year, but I'll be damned if people don't think of me as still being fat. I love food, don't get me wrong, but when it comes to finally paying for the meal, there's usually some discretion in funds. Take for instance my paying for 3 peoples meals in one day, and expecting them to pay me back (I hate having anyone be indebted to me almost as much as I hate being indebted to other people). Also, I've been the movies an uncharacteristically amount of times within the past week (or maybe it just seems that way). I went to "The Ugly Truth" with Maddie over the weekend at the newly redesigned NorthShore Theater. That place is needlessly ritzy, and crawling with pompous douches. I don;t really like it when things are redesigned to look scores better than what they were before, because what used to be an area filled with normal people, just turns into places for the more well off white kids to go. Which, despite my own Caucasian-ness, pisses me off and makes me want to start a race-related incident. Nevertheless, the movie was an entertaining chick flick featuring a quite sexist version of Gerard Butler (I know what you're thinking, "But we've already seen a sexist movie with Gerard Butler. It was called 300", and you're right. But at least in that movie, his first words weren't "If you're a fat woman, guys don't like you". It was still pretty predictable, but who cares, most movies are nowadays. And then I went to go see Funny People (with no help from Steve) with Ben, Kiwi, Jake and Andrew. Now here's why it probably seems like I've been to more movies than I really have: I paid for 3 people. At the evening price... I don't like to bitch too much about money (I fear that if I do, the Jew jokes will never stop, and I will begin to be haunted by them in my nightmares), but that was a pretty big chunk taken out of my bank account for one movie... Again, the movie was awesome, and really takes some more time of thought after you leave the theater to really realize how clever and smart tit truly was. I was impressed. Especially because Apatow seemed to call in every favor from everyone of his famous friends.

Next piece of news on the docket, I got a photoshop put up on Philly D's website. http://www.phillyd.tv/2009/08/07/jessica-simpson-attracts-creepy-guys/
True, it's probably not all that big of an accomplishment, but for someone like me (with all kinds of crap I put out on the interweb, whether it be hand drawn shit, videos, or even this pile of shit I call a blog, it's nice to have someone else post something of mine) it makes me feel good knowing others may appreciate what I do here.

Also, I downloaded Innerpartysystems free summer mixtape. It's a nice 29 minute long remix compilation they threw together. I really like it and it's hell-a bouncy, but I would like to be able to download the singular remixes by themselves... Just a thought.

Beyond that there's not all that much to report. Have a good night.

Food, Friends, and Books

Hrm. Here we are, back again. Okay, let’s just jump right into recent topics.

First, I’ve been eating quite hardy as of late. Last night I went out to a German all you can eat fish and chicken. That was good, but the used some hip tricks to get us to eat less. They had servers (most being quite attractive). Now, psychologically, men (who are much more known for packing food away) typically feel the need to be more chauvinistic around women (especially those who are hot). Sooooooooooooooo, men will likely tend to order less food, if there is a woman bringing it out for them, because they don’t want to seem fat and . Regardless, I ate 2 pieces of fish, 4 pieces of chicken, and a baked potato (which in hindsight wasn’t a good idea. Baked potatoes are very filling. I should’ve just opted for the potato pancake…). That was good. And the waitresses were hot.

The night before that was also filled with big meals. I ate pretty well in the morning because I was just around the house, but the real meal came after work at Denny’s. Karleisa, Kaitlyn, Kiwi (Teeheehee! KKK!), Maddie, and Katie all showed up here at work to get me. I showed them around (very minutely) before finishing up work and leaving. We then all headed over to Denny’s to eat. Pat was already there, and Collin came a few minutes later. We took a while to order (Kiwi, bought us a sampler J ). I ended up getting the chicken strips with fries and onion rings. I thought this was a good choice, because everyone else was getting breakfast… Chances were SOMEBODY wasn’t gonna finish… I ate my meal, then got pancakes from Karleisa, and I tried a bite ok Kiwi’s ham… He was right… their ham ain’t that great…

So, I’m a little fatty fat fat pig…

Other than that… things have been odd as of late… It’s like all of my friend relationships have changed. Those I used to see all the time are now few and far between, with little protest from me. And those I don’t tend to want to see… I’m seeing a lot, and again, with little protest from me… It’s weird. It’s like the whole friendship dynamic has changed, and no one seems to care. And if someone were to have told me things like this would happen a year ago… there was no fucking way I’d believe it, and now we all seem to busy and worn out to give a shit about it… I tell you it sucks!

I guess that can be one of the reasons my mind has been so… flippy-floppy… I really don’t have much of a grasp on my emotions towards people anymore. It’s not like I’ve got these raging bipolar feeling towards people, it’s more of a large animosity. I don’t know how I feel about others anymore…I need to get back to a sense of balance, and not this weeble wobbly shit with people that don’t see anything wrong with that… I need to get back to stability.
One a much much different note, I got some new goodies from one of my favorite places ever: Half Price Books. Wait. Side note. I, a big kid, am usually quite good with children (please, no pedophile jokes). However, walking with Maddie’s brother Evan in Half Price Books was my own personal Hell. Not only did he want to play/read every game/book… He also wanted to own them. All I wanted to do was geek out, but I had to stay by him… To me, it was painful… But I did manage to leave there with 3 purchases: “Long Hard Road out of Hell” by Marilyn Manson, “Daredevil: Guardian Devil” Written by Kevin Smith, The Clerks Animated Series, and “Interworld” by Neil Gaiman (there was another writer involved, but who cares). Word.
I think I’m just gonna end here because I really don’t have much else to say, and anything more would just be me typing in circles trying to not only figure out just what’s going through my brain, but also to escape the boredom at work, where, I have been left all alone with all of the responsibility. Great… Here’s to nobody dying on my watch!