I Feel Like This Is It

First off, I must apologize for the way my title may come off. It's not everday that I get myself worked into a mindset that I just can't help spewing 'insight' out of my brain. It may come off as trite and emo, but I'm trying my best which....

I haven't done this in a while, and oddly, I feel like a rcovering drug addict trying to porcure a normallife after treatment. This is my triumphant addicts annomous meeting that I can talk to others who know I've had these problems and I know whta it's like to rip myself away. Of course, this isn't one of those meetings, and it's quite presumptous for me to say that my problems are anything like yours, and yours anything like mine. But I feel, nevertheless, like I've admitted to somehting, and am letting it all pour out of me for the good of the whole. If you don't read this, I understand. This is for me.

I am, at my best, a person who cannot be 'described'. I've got mountains of opinions, all of which, don't mean a thing if you disagree. They are, at the ends of ends, just opinions, but nevertheless, I hold true to them. I try my best to base my opinions on concrete analysis' that may take me seconds, weeks, months, even years to establish. And no, I'm not saying I've got firm grasps on any of it. I'm not claiming that at all... Most tihngs in my life, in this world, I may never make sense of. But then again, it's not my job to. I get so worked up in being everywhere and trying to effect everyone, that I forget just what it is I'm looking at (Case and point, I think I segwayed about three times in the past paragraph with little to no rhyme or reason. Sorry).

Lately, and like many of us from time to time, have felt quite bipolar really... One second I will be so happy, being myself and loving... well life... the next second (yes, it happens that fast) I am depressed, and I just can't take it any more. I've been up and down so many times in the past month, I've really begun to think that I may have some sort of problem. i just can't seem to keep
things straight in my mind any more. Who are the people I truly care for, and how do I care for them? Are they friends, family, co-workers, lovers, significant others, or even perfect strangers? They've all seemed to meld and mesh and I can't seem to tell them apart. It's as though I love and despise them all at the same time, and cannot differentiate them unless I make example of one to see how that effects the others...

There's so many things I try my best not to admit to. The people I like, the people I dislike, my true feelings about everything. It's like I can't let anything outside without it causing a wave that washes over all those closest to me and potentially destroy what I have with them. God, even now, I don't know what I'm building up to with this. I know this must sound horribly depressed and the low of the low, but I'm not sad right now. I just want to know the answers really. You know, we walk around so confused, so disconnected, when all we really need are the answers. But we've become so distached with the answers because they hurt us or scared us, that we completely forget the questions.

I'm sorry, I can't seem to find my focal point here. I don't think I ever really had one I guess... I just came back to the one place that I felt free. Free to open up, and not be so afraid of what might happen. I don't think I even knew what that meant until it was 'torn away' from me. I just want it back. Not my blog per se, but the innocense. The amount of things wrong in this world are mind crippling, and that's without the emotional heartache we all put each other through. I just feel that I am but one in many, and despite what I do to see you smile, I am never going to change the world. It's because of this that I can't answer my own questions... Why are we not just trying to be...happy? It's like we put ourselves through so much just to come out with nothing. There are just so many things right now that could cause my own, as well as others happiness, but they just don't see it. Am I wrong? I can not bring myself to say that I am, in all honesty, a bad person, but then why am I so tempted to cause others pain?

We all seem to be in the wrong place at the wrong time.

Maybe I am depressed. Maybe I'm just saddened by the fact that I don't have that one thing I'm looking for... Or, maybe it's just that I, much like everyone, doens't honestly know what it is I'm looking for... All I know is that I want someones hand to hold while I'm looking for it... I'm sorry I'm going on and on about all of this.

I know this next part will come off as very, very one sided, but I wish people could just see things my way. It's like if people saw things my way, we could agree, and if we agree, we wouldn't argue, and if we don't argue we may... just... be... happy...

Maybe I'm just wrong. And maybe, it is as I said it was... that my opinions truly don't matter because they are only opinions, and opinions are only personal...

I will end this all here, and refuse to put you through any more written torture. I will leave you with one 'insightful' tidbit of what I was going to post as my status at 1am but the ever powerful Facebook Nazi said it was too long:

"thinks that when people write out lists of the 'perfect man', or the 'perfect woman', they are only setting themselves up for unmet and unrealistic expectations. Women: Edward Cullen doesn't exist. No man will ever be the 'bad boy', and still be the cute charming man that you say you're looking for, and if he is, call his bluff. It's an act. Men: Going after a a woman who is 'hot', and will put out, likely won't have a clue who you are as a person, and despite your rough exterior is something you do look for. Emotions aren't a weakness, don't be afraid to admit to them. Stop looking for these attributes to check off of some list and look around you. Stop looking for signs of grandeur, and focus more on how two people may benefit from each others happiness... Relationships aren't a science, they're an art form. Paints can mix, change, and alter perceptions. Numbers never will. (sorry for the rant at 1 in the morning >.<...)"